Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
