Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
