jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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