just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
