you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
