If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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