Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
