When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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