I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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