At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
