4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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