it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
