My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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