if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I need to calm my uterus...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
