if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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