Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
