i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
