I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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