If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
this is an emotional support booty call
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
