I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
