nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
