he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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