Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sorry my hands just texted you
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
