Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
