I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
