I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Randomize
