I checked into jail on foursquare
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
