Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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