she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
