i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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