the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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