Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
