Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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