I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
