now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
