How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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