Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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