Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
