Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
