You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
