He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So here I am, sexting at work.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
