how can u be prego again
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
