and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Michael Bay diarrhea
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
