sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
