I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
