I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
