if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
