Cold hands, warm shart.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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