remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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