i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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